They say that we all go through “seasons” in our lives. I like to think that is a cute way of saying, “Child, it sucks out there sometimes. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get to it”. For some of us, the most trying season we face is after our child is born and we face the BIG question: do I go back to work? For me, it wasn’t a hard decision as I held my beautiful boy. It was a big resounding, NO! We agreed that as long as we could afford it, I would stay home and care for our son.
Roughly six months later I began to wonder: should I go back to work? Maybe it’s time… each time the question arose I’d talk myself out of it and carry on. Fact was, I was looking for something familiar. Something from my life before having a kid. It is extremely hard to go from 20 plus years working 40 hours a week to not working outside the home and raising a kid. Trust, the whole child rearing thing is a completely different ball game than the 8-5 shtick and is just as much work, but it’s different. I was missing the social aspect of work. The purpose. The tasks. And I’m not talking about the tasks that await us all at home like laundry, dishes, dinner, etc,I’m talking about something that requires a little more brain power than playing with your infant/toddler and pretending to fold clothes while listening to Disney on the t.v.
Recently I have gotten the opportunity to work from home. I was blessed to be in the right place at the right time and talking with the right person. In that conversation I mentioned that I would love to work from home if they knew of anything that was coming available at the company they work for. BOOM! I am 2 weeks into the job and I love it. I love that it brings me the purpose that I felt I was missing. I love that it brings some social interaction, though nothing like actually being in the office. Most of all, I love that I am home with my son and doing something to contribute financially to our family. It was the answer to my prayers – sort of.
Y’all, working from home while your kid is there is hard. I don’t mean a little hard, like trying to clean when your kid is home, but damn near impossible. I never knew how needy my kid was until he had to hunt me up for the gazillionth time to put on a show for him. I have a full on new respect for moms who work outside the home. I know how hard it must have been to put your child in daycare that first time and go away from them. I know the struggle of trying to decide what you absolutely have to get done just so you can spend some time with your kid.
What I did not know was how damn near impossible it would be to actually get work done with your kid at home. I may not drop him off at daycare, but I found this nanny who is fairly decent as long as she doesn’t stop entertaining my kid, “she” is the TV. Along with that little find is a nice big dose of mom-guilt for dumping my kid in front of the TV for hours at a time while I get some work done. Trying to juggle potty training, his schedule (or lack of because: summer), my new schedule, my other home duties, and even cooking dinner became impossible. I DO NOT know how working moms do it.
I understand that going through a life change is never easy and it takes time to find your new routine within the old one, but this one hit me particularly hard. Not only did I realize just how much I wanted to work but I realized how much my soon to be three-year-old does not need me. So in this season of change, it isn’t just I who is growing but he as well and that makes me sad. I know it’s inevitable, but I didn’t realize I would feel so guilty about being glad for it.
We, as moms, pile on so much onto ourselves. I have yet to figure out why we do this. I know I want to be everything to him, and my husband and my family and friends yada yada yada and I know I’m not the only one. I have read countless blogs about momming and life and mom-guilt yada yada yada.
I suppose we (blogging moms) put it all out there in hopes that some other mom reading this understands us and feels better about themselves because they are going through or went through the same thing. Camaraderie is huge among moms. We need each other. I was venting to one of my very good friends about failing and how I felt that I was failing at this whole new venture. She looked at me and simply said, “We’re all failing at something but trying to provide for your family is never a fail.” So I put that in my pocket to refer back to as I continue through this season of change in our family. My son is going back to school, so that will ease some of the pressure. The rest of it will just have to wait until I can fit it in or the other adult human in my household takes care of it.
The reward in all of this is that I am finding that old self that I missed. The confident self, the smart one that likes to figure things out, that likes to be needed for something other than a meal or you know, keeping a small person alive. I hope this job turns into something I never expected, but it also kind of already is.
I love your honesty. Love you too!