I just had my 3rd baby about 6 weeks ago. I haven’t been in the newborn stage for about 5 years, and it was so easy to forget how difficult and challenging this stage is. This baby has definitely slapped my husband and me in the face with newborn realities (good and bad), but what I have also come to realize, once again, is the unsolicited advice and frustrating questions asked by outsiders. Now, I want to preface this by saying that I don’t mind being asked these questions from people I’m very close to, or people that I’ve sought out, wanting to get their perspectives. I’m talking about those simply asking these questions because they don’t know what else to say, or they need a reminder that these questions are outright annoying. So, here it goes…
5 Things Not to Ask a New Mom…Seasoned or Not…
1. “How are you doing?” Oh, I’m good. NOT. I’m actually losing my goddamn mind because I’m barely sleeping, the baby eats, poops, cries, and repeats…and I don’t have time for anything else. But yea, I’m great.
2. “How’s the baby sleeping?” Well, let’s see. She’s a newborn…so ya know, sleeping through the night *eye roll* Yeah, she’s a newborn, so her sleep is unpredictable, and I had a great night last night, but I don’t want to say it out loud and remind her that she can wake up every 2 hours if she wants! So, please don’t jinx it, and please assume that she sleeps like every other newborn baby out there.
3. Baby is fussy and someone asks me (since I’m breastfeeding), “is it something you ate?” Oh yes, it is. I purposely ate something to cause my demon baby to scream and cry for hours on end. I enjoy that type of torture. Please, if I could pinpoint exactly why my baby cries at certain times, and I could do something about it, I would! And, it quite frankly hurts when someone blames me when I feel like I’ve given up a lot of myself to make breastfeeding work.
4. Person hears your problem and then proceeds to say, “well, have you tried _______?” No, Leslie. I haven’t tried every single thing under the sun. I haven’t been googling this issue for hours and harassed my doctor with emails. I was just going to stare at my baby and hope someone like you would offer your unsolicited advice. Of course, I’ve tried it! I’ve tried everything, and am probably feeling pretty down about the fact that I haven’t found the answer.
5. Are you going to have another baby? Um, excuse me?! My body is still getting used to NOT having this very baby in it. And, is it really your business if my husband and I are going to have more children? I’ll keep that personal decision between my husband and I, thank you very much.
Bottom line is that new moms are trying our best. I know I was heavy on the sarcasm, but some questions and comments feel accusatory and as if I’m not giving my all. New moms simply need support. Things like:
“Your baby is beautiful. Congratulations. Let me know if I can come and help out at all.”
“Here, let me hold your crying baby so you can have a break.”
“You look great and the baby is beautiful. Congratulations.”
“I cooked a baked ziti. I’m going to drop it off after work.”
Simple support.
So, before asking the questions above to a new mom, think if you’ve offered supportive statements, or even offered to do her dishes. THEN, maybe you would be allowed to ask some of the questions above 😉 We love our new babies more than life itself, but all new moms could use a helping hand or outpouring of support. Be that positive encounter and a safe place for the new mom in your life.
Need daily support from other moms? Join our Facebook Group, Mom Chats by The Basic Moms.