When the Unthinkable Happens (Supporting Ones We Love)

The death of a child is something that nobody should ever have to face in their lifetime. Unfortunately, it happens a lot. I would like to talk about what we, as helpless bystanders, can do when someone we love is faced with such an unimaginable loss.

Several weeks ago my dear friend Casey’s daughter Karson passed away. Karson was a long term survivor of the same genetic disorder my daughter has, Trisomy 18. Because of her genetic disorder Karson endured many hospitalizations and illnesses before she tragically passed away at age 5.

Once word spread about Karson’s passing, everyone surrounding their family wondered what we could do to support the family without adding to their stress.

These are the things that I have learned since then.

Show up. Someone’s child died. You want to show your support but you’re worried about holding it together. That’s a ridiculous way to think. Of course you’re going to be ugly crying like Kim Kardashian. Your friends aren’t going to be upset that you’re too sad or emotional. They’re going to be grateful that so many people loved their child

Meal trains are awesome. Everyone seems to want to cook for people in their time of grief. This is great. It takes a burden off of those who are grieving, but there is such a thing as too much food at one time. This is where meal trains come in. You can click on the link and create a meal train for anyone any time. The free option allows for people to sign up to take meals to families on certain days and times. It allows you to include dietary restrictions and has an option where people can donate cash to the family for expenses or anything they may need. The Meal Train Plus option allows you to set up a schedule for people to not only cook but they can sign up to mow the lawn, help with childcare or even do housework. This option does cost $10, but it can help alleviate so much stress for a grieving family, so in my book it’s totally worth it.

Remember, they are still parents. My friend Casey said something at the funeral that will stick with me the rest of my life. She talked about the fact that even though Karson is physically gone, she is still Karson’s mother and always will be. That made me realize how important it is as Casey’s friend to help keep Karson’s memory alive. An excellent example of this was recently shared with me. A friend told me that she once sent her friend a birthday cake for their deceased child on that child’s birthday. The sweet gesture made her friend incredibly happy that someone remembered their child and the fact that they should be celebrated.

Be there after the dust has settled. In the first few weeks after the loss of a child everyone and their brother is around offering support. Eventually, though, life moves on and people get back into their routines. Many families find the time after these times to be the most challenging. They’re still experiencing intense grief and still need our support. Don’t hesitate to call, text or stop by to show them a little love, and that you’re thinking about them. A tiny bit of kindness can go a long way. Don’t feel like you have to make grand gestures here. Just make yourself available. Show your friends that you are a safe person to grieve with. No matter how long it’s been.

Don’t be afraid to reminisce. One of the most important things I have heard from my friend Casey and others who have lost their child, is that they hate when people avoid talking about them. Even if it seems painful, don’t be afraid to speak their name. Share your favorite memories. If you come across sweet photos or trinkets or things that remind you of the child, share them. It helps families to know that their child’s legacy lives on in other people.

Just remember, the loss of a child is a unique and heartbreaking occurrence. There is no way to adequately prepare yourself for how to deal with the aftermath. Be a safe space for your loved one. Be loving. Don’t be judgemental or encourage them to get over it. A loss of a child leaves a hole in their parents hearts that will last a lifetime. Most of all, just love them.