I have to admit one thing, first, before I move any further. Removing toxic people from my life is relatively new to me. I allowed those people that hurt me to remain in my life for far too long and it’s only been the past decade that I have finally been saying adios suckers. And even once I removed them from my life, I often felt guilty for doing so. I had to learn that it was not my fault that they could not be a part of my life anymore. I had to learn that it was something that the other person did, a conscious choice on their part. I had to learn that it was actually an act of self preservation to put myself ahead of those that had hurt me.
Why it’s Important to Remove Toxic People From Your Life
One of the key things to remember is that just like you are not going to change from being the person that you are, neither is the toxic person. You can’t expect them to suddenly see the error of their ways and do a complete 180. Although, yes, some people can change over time, it is not something that you should hang your every hope and dream on. If you allow toxic people to stay in your life, you are silently giving them permission to continue hurting you.
Steps to Removing the Toxic Individual
Mary Wright breaks down the 8 Steps to Effectively Remove Toxic People perfectly over on The Power of Silence. Those steps are:
- Stick to your boundaries.
- Don’t allow them to drag you into a crisis.
- Pick your battles.
- Understand what projection is.
- Own your mistakes and weaknesses.
- Expect them to resist.
- Don’t expect them to change.
- Surround yourself with appropriate and healthy relationships.
Don’t Allow Guilt to Get the Better of You
This was the hard part for me. Once I made the decision to remove the toxic person, they were gone, never allowed to return. But the guilt, the guilt nearly ate me alive for quite some time. But I figured something out. Although I was feeling guilty from cutting that person out of my life, they never once felt guilty for their horrible actions over the years. That was a real eye opener. Another revelation that was made during this process was simple. It was that if I allowed that person or people to stay in my life, I would not only be silently giving permission for them to keep hurting me, but also to potentially cause my children the same type of harm. Being the momma bear that I am, I continued to put my children’s needs before my own and said see you later to the individual and the guilt.
Make Others Aware of Your Decision
That is not to say that you need to take out a front page ad in the local paper saying, “I no longer associate with John Doe”. If you have mutual friends or even shared family with the person you have removed from your life, expect that at some point their name may come up in conversation. Then the next step is really up to you. You can either nip the issue in the bud straight away and tell those mutual people that you are no longer allowing that person in your life and don’t want to discuss that person or you can wait for it to eventually come up. I sometimes wish I had been the first type of individual. Instead I waited for it to come up in conversation and then made my feelings known to the other people. I tried to skirt the issue a bit at first, but eventually had to tell the other individuals that while I didn’t wish anything negative on the particular toxic person, I also did not want to have anything to do with them and would not be discussing that person any further. It was a confrontation I wasn’t excited to have, but thankful to have it over with.
What if the Toxic Person is Family
I know you are probably thinking that I have no idea how hard it is to cut a toxic person out of my life when they happen to be family. That is where you would be dead wrong. The pain and damage done to me by this individual spanned the majority of my childhood, but it took well into my adult years before I was strong enough and brave enough to tell this person NO MORE and to sever all communication with them. Side note, I do feel that friends might be easier to distance yourself from than family. Over the last decade I have learned to let go of many people that bring me down instead of building me up.
I feel as if I have managed my own little Konmari with people that I considered friends in recent years. If they don’t bring me joy, they’re out the door. No more looking back, just moving forward with those that make me feel loved. I am not going to tell you that the first step will be easy. I am not going to tell you that you will feel zero guilt when you remove that individual from your life. What I am telling you is that it is possible to go on without that person and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Remember, you must love yourself or no one else will be able to love you. And part of loving yourself is putting your needs, both physical and emotional above those of other people if the situation calls for it. So take a step forward, breathe deep and take charge of who you allow in your life.
Have you ever had to deal with toxic people in your life? Are they still there? What did you do to cut ties? Drop your thoughts in the comments down below.
