Reflections on My Career and Motherhood as I Turn 35

A few weeks ago, someone in a Facebook group in which I’m a member, posed the question:

“When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Throughout my childhood and into my high school years, when posed this question, I remember always bouncing between two things: a lawyer or an English teacher. But, in my heart, the answer was always ‘a mom’.

At some point in my childhood, the idea that I wasn’t ‘smart’ enough to be a lawyer infiltrated my psyche. I was basically average at everything. And then, in my junior year of high school, I cracked the code. By code, I mean, I figured out exactly how much effort I needed to put out to get and maintain good grades. I ended up pulling in higher SAT scores than most of my friends. Almost overnight, I went from being an average girl to being viewed as someone who had options for the future.

I remember attending a youth group retreat my sophomore year of high school. We were asked to write down our goals for the future. This was the first time I put my desire to be a mother into words. The odd thing is, the retreat leaders wrote me a note back saying that they thought that one day I would have a high powered job with a stay-at-home husband. I wasn’t sure what they saw in me, I surely didn’t see it in myself. But, I clung to it. And, the idea that I had to have a profession to have value persisted.

In college, I changed my major a few times. I entered as a Lit Major on the Education track. At one point I switched to Sociology with no real goal. Finally, I settled on Political Science with a pre law concentration. I was going to do it. I even accepted an internship at the US Attorney’s Office in Washington DC. But, fear and doubt crept in. Was I smart enough? Could I make it that far from home? I ended up turning down the internship (and this has become the biggest ‘what-if’ in my life).

I continued with my Poli Sci degree and even began prepping for the LSATs; but fear and doubt always seem to be on my shoulder. As I sat in my pre law classes, I felt different from everyone else. Everyone else was so passionate about the issues. Me? I was passionate about doing the minimum I needed to get good grades. I never took the LSATs. I never applied to law schools. But, I did graduate from college with a Political Science degree. But, what on earth do you do with that?

As a present for my graduation from college, my parents flew me out to Denver, Colorado to visit my brother. I remember him telling me to think of what I loved to do and to find a way to turn that into a job. What I loved to do, at that time, was coach cheerleading- middle schoolers to be exact. (I know, who likes middle schoolers)?

A lightbulb went off in my head… How different could teaching be from coaching? There I was, approaching the other thing I’d always thought I wanted to be when I grew up. And so, a year later, I began my teaching career, as a middle school social studies teacher at a Catholic School.

That was 13 years ago. The 13 years since have brought even more ups and downs, twists and turns, fears and doubts. There was a wedding, 2 kids, a Master’s Degree in Theology, my brother’s passing, and three moves (the most recent to Vermont).

Throughout my life, I’ve battled feelings of inadequacy. Not being smart enough, not being pretty enough, not being thin enough. Just, not being enough. I think this has contributed to my indecision, worry, and constant guilt (and likely my high blood pressure, too). In her recent article in opposition of intensive parenting, my friend Jenn discussed the problem with asking our children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She referred to the words of Michelle Obama from her memoir, “Becoming”, to drive home her point:

“Now I think it is one of the most useless questions an adult can ask a child–‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’–as if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that’s the end.”

Michelle Obama, Becoming

And, I see so much of myself in those words. No one path, career or motherhood, has defined me. They are both entwined within each other.

As I sit here, about to turn 35, reflecting on whether or not I’ve “made” it… I’m realizing for the first time that this incredibly windy road has brought me to the craziest amalgamation of all of these things I always wanted to be. I am a work-from-home-mom who teaches ESL and History online. Life certainly has a funny way of working things out. I can’t help but to wonder where the next 35 years will bring me.

I’m curious, has anyone actually become what they said they’d be when they were younger?