These last couple of weeks I have had a serious case of cabin fever. Actual fevers, snots galore, less sleep than normal and not as much time outside has led to me being a bit of a shit mom.
I could tell myself those are all excuses for not being the mom I want to be. I could make myself feel worse about my shortcomings. But, let’s be honest, when have those things ever done anyone any good. Instead, I try my best to give myself some grace, practice a little self-care and then actively get to work on weaving back in some positivity in parenting.
Think About The Science
The human brain has a natural tendency to focus on the negative. We are wired to notice, react strongly and remember negative events more than positive ones. So when my daughter spills almond milk on the couch I am programed to react to the negative – the spillage and mess – instead of reacting to the positive – her trying her best to help clean it up. And I hold on to that. When my tolerance is already low, seeing that one little negative leads to seeing other negatives and then before I know it negative is all I can see. My daughter senses my negativity and it’s one big downward spiral.
Here are some tips I have picked up in my pre-mom life as a social worker that I try to use regularly in my parenting and focus on when I need a reset from my negativity spiral.
Find What’s Going Well
I start by noticing and celebrating the small joys. Things unrelated to my parenting or my kiddo. I celebrate them either to myself i.e. I’m grateful for the time to have a cup of hot tea this morning, or aloud i.e. observing what a gorgeous sunny day it is outside to my daughter. By practicing finding small joys to celebrate we draw the attention towards the positive and away from the negative. It also helps us to feel happier. And it helps, over time, to change our child’s mindset by modeling how to focus on and enjoy the little things in life.
Remember how I mentioned that it’s science to focus on the negative? That explains why it’s so natural to find ourselves a million times a day pointing out to our children (or our partner!) things they have done that are wrong, mistakes they have made or simply things that they didn’t do that we expected them to. What if instead of doing that we tried to retrain our brain to find what’s going well?
Even on the days where it feels like nothing is going right it is possible to find something to praise your child for. These don’t have to be major things. Think small. “Thanks for flushing the toilet.” Praise them for things they do well every day that go unnoticed. “Awesome job getting dressed this morning.” Praise them for things that didn’t really meet your expectations but were steps in the right direction. “I really appreciate you cleaning up your toys.” – even if you had to ask 20 times.
This does two things. First, it actually creates more positive behaviors in others. Kids (and grown-ups for that matter) do more of what you pay attention to. By acknowledging behaviors you increase them. Want your kiddo to put their dishes in the sink after dinner? Praise them when they do it and ignore when they don’t. Shaping a behavior in this way takes time but in the meantime if we are letting go a bit to focus only on the positive everyone ends up feeling a bit happier.
Second, because your brain has been practicing, it becomes easier over time to find and focus on a positives in a situation when something negative does occur. So next time my daughter spills that almond milk instead of raising my voice or complaining about what a mess it made, like it’s the end of the world, I’ll have an easier time saying, “Oh bummer your milk spilled. It was so responsible of you to start to clean it up right away. Thanks for being a great helper.”
Challenge Yourself to the Magic Ratio
Hang in there while I touch on some science again. There are studies that indicate, that in order for relationships to thrive, for every criticism or negative interaction there needs to be at least 5 meaningful positive interactions. This is often referred to as the “magic ratio.” Certainly we all want our kiddos to feel good about themselves, and we want our relationship with them to thrive. Many days this is something that just happens naturally. But on those days when I realize I’m going down that negative spiral, and well, being kind of a jerk, I challenge myself.
The other day I yelled because I was trying to do too many things at once and my daughter continued to interrupt me. My patience was thin. I was a jerk. So I challenged myself to five meaningful positive interactions. Meaningful being the key word there. I went above and beyond in playing imaginary games with dinosaurs and said “yes” to baking brownies even though I really didn’t want to. I did things that really mattered to her to fill her bucket back up. The bonus with this is often times it fills my bucket back up too.
Predict the Positive
Say you need to stop at the grocery store on your way home from picking your kids up from school. They are in need of some time to decompress, probably a snack and you know they already have a dislike for grocery shopping. Not the ideal situation but if you want to eat dinner tonight it has to be done. So instead of saying something like, “We have to stop at the grocery store and I don’t want to see any fooling around or complaining.” Try flipping things around and predicting the positive. “We have to stop at the grocery store. You guys are such great listeners we should be able to get in and out quickly.”
By reframing our expectation and predicting the positive we are drawing attention to the positive behavior instead of the negative, demonstrating our confidence in our children and thereby increasing the likelihood that they will actually “be great listeners” and you will “get in and out quickly.”
Tell Them What To Do Instead of What Not To Do
So it’s obviously totally unreasonable to ignore all your kiddos negative behavior and only focus on the positive all of the time. Sometimes kids need to be redirected, there is no way around it. Again our natural tendency is to move toward the negative – “no, don’t, stop.” When we stop ourselves from jumping in with the negativity we are more likely to get a positive response from our children.
I’m going to hit you with some science again for a minute. The human brain, especially developing ones, have an easier time processing directions in which they are told what to do, instead of what not to do. When you say “Stop jumping on the couch” the brain processes the jumping on the couch before the stop. If we tell them what to do instead “The couch is for sitting or laying” or “You can sit on the couch or get off of it, your choice.” We are making our instructions easier for them to process and we are also giving them an alternative to what they are doing. Again we are increasing the chances that they will actually follow through with our request. Thereby increasing the chances of everyone being happier.
Have Fun
Seems simple enough, right? Sometimes as parents I think that we are so focused on things we need to get done, expectations we have for our children/partners/selves and just what can be the busyness of day-to-day life that we can easily forget to have fun and connect with each other. When I see that negative spiral happening I know we haven’t been having enough fun together. I let go of as many expectations/responsibilities as I can, even if it’s just for fifteen minutes. Then, we do something we both enjoy whether it’s a living room dance party, a hike or cuddling up with some books and hot chocolate it always helps give everyone a much needed reset.
How do you weave positivity into your parenting?
