I’m a member of many Facebook “mom groups” and I’m more active in some than others. We need to talk about why we are increasingly seeing phrases like “please no bad comments” or “no negative comments” after a post when the mom is just looking for simple advice.
I have been thinking of writing a post like this for a while. It’s always kind of been in the back of my head. But today, when I saw another mom respond to this mom’s call for help with “I would never let my child do that.” It just lit a fire under me. No elaboration. No further explanation. Just that single eight-word sentence. People like her (the mother responding) are why fellow mothers are questioning even posting in the first place and willing to remain in whatever miserable situation they are trying to resolve to try to make a better life for her child(ren).
It’s not like this was one of those situations where a mother posted something about her child that needed medical treatment ASAP. This particular group focused on screen time. Not a strictly no screentime group, but one that allows it in small, selective bits of their child’s life, suggestions on how to break the habit for those who want to, and other ideas on what to do instead of screentime. Simple enough.
Y’all this momma came to us for HELP! Don’t you think she feels bad enough already, not only asking for help but asking a bunch of virtual strangers for help? Everyone is already vulnerable when they ask for help. Why make her feel worse?!
As good mothers, we are all concerned about what is happening with our children. Especially us first-time moms. As first-time moms, we probably don’t know what lice looks like, or if that rash is hand foot and mouth or just maybe harmless bug bites while we are waiting to hear back from the pediatrician’s office.
People shouldn’t be afraid of what they post online. And more importantly, they shouldn’t be afraid of the responses they might get either.
And why do these people have to respond that way?
There is the argument of tone. I am a strong believer that people put their own tone on the things they read. This actually happens between my husband and me a lot. For example, he used to leave the house for work after I did, and if on trash day I already left the house, I might text my husband with “Can you take the trash down before you leave?” and that night when he gets home he says something like “you were mad that the trash wasn’t on the curb when you left for work this morning.” No. Not the case at all. In reality, I just remembered when I took the kitchen trash out to the trash bin a couple of days ago that the outside bin was getting full, so it would need to go to the curb on trash day. It was just a question. No anger or harsh feelings. Just a simple reminder.
Or maybe the mother responding to the post was just having a bad day and decided to take it out on the original poster. I’m not sure if that was the case, because I went back to that post later and the comment was still there and there was no apology, despite other group members specifically calling out the mom who responded. Or maybe she is just some rude troll. We may never know.
Anyways, the moral of this sorry is something we’ve all known for most of our lives: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. And sometimes we all, myself included, need to be reminded of that.
You can follow along with Claire and all her motherhood adventures on Instagram @fromcoffeetocarrots.
