Is this my life? Is this what I have to do all the time? Every month, I have to just accept that it’s going to fall apart for two weeks?
It started like a typical Thursday morning but before I got out of bed I already knew something was off with me. I was rushing around to get everyone fed and hubby’s lunch packed (that was a can of tuna and half a loaf of bread because I haven’t been to the store.) (#1)
I had to shower real fast because I had Bible study to get to and didn’t need to be kicked out due to my smell. It had easily been 3 days since my last shower. (#2)
After breakfast and the shameful lunch I packed I sat down to actually do the bible study lesson I was supposed to have completed, prior to this day. (#3)
Got my lesson done and then saw it was 8 o’clock. I didn’t have to leave until 9 a.m. so I decided to sit and “be” for a second. (#4)
That second turned in to half-an-hour, then 45 minutes and before I knew it I was giving lame excuses as to why I couldn’t make it to bible study, “Hubby needs the good car today,” blah blah blah…. Knowing all the while he didnt need it until lunch time. (#5)
Hubs wass preparing to leave for work as I told him I wasn’t going and he asked if I was okay, I gave the canned answer, “I’m fine just tired” this is after turning down, not 1, but 2 offers of a ride to bible study. Why turn down the rides? “I’m not feeling that great”, I said.(#6)
Once he left, I relaxed
I relaxed with my son and watched T.V. Then, all the mental “dust” settled and I realized what lameness I have just perpetrated. What lies I told people I love and who love me back. I broke down into tears and had to leave the couch so my son didn’t see. There I stood, crying uncontrollably in the kitchen, while my darling son was watching TV and playing in the living room. Fearing the whole time he was going to see me and I was going to scare him with my sobs and feeling so ashamed of myself at the same time! Again, why?
Why was I so sad and feeling overwhelmed?
While I was crying I experience that entirely female phenomena of multitasking misery: in one part of my mind I was devastated and lost, in another part of my mind I was screaming at my family, “Help me! Why can’t you see I’m suffering?!” and in still another part of my head I was yelling at the other two parts to shut up and deal with it. (#7)
Then, it all clicked blessedly into place. Those 7 instances suddenly came together and the rational part of my brain was FINALLY in sync with the emotional part.
I am depressed.
*GASP* Did I just say that? Did I just admit that? I am failing. Not failing anyone else but myself because I have been pushing this knowledge away for quite some time now.
I knew it when I went to the doctor months ago and told her that I was having some monthly anxiety, meaning increasing anxiety the closer I got to starting my period. I asked her for a prescription for Xanax so I could take it when I was having an episode. She brought up then that I might need something different than Xanax, that I might need a daily medication like Zoloft or Lexapro.
I scoffed and said, “No I can handle my life. It’s just that during my cycle my hormones get a little out of whack and I go a little nuts.” Nuts meaning I get anxious and withdrawn. All the activities I like and enjoy, my normal life, I no longer take part in. I can’t make myself go to an exercise class that I love. I can’t even make myself go to Bible study. No, I simply lack the motivation to move beyond my bed, my couch or my house. The only thing I can stand to do is take my son to the park because I know that his little two-year-old self needs exercise, outdoor play and social interaction. Also, I know I don’t have to interact with anybody else but him so the park is a safe space.
I called the doctor
I called my doctor right after my break down and left a message for her nurse. Then, I said that the doc and I had talked about me *possibly* getting back on Zoloft and I think it was time to do so and asked if they could call in a prescription.
Then I texted a friend of mine who I knew experienced similar things and is medicated for her own reasons. I had to reach out to her to keep from falling more apart and calling my husband which would cause him worry and undue stress. I could not do that. So, I sent her a quick text telling her I was being mental. She continued the conversation and asked me what was going on, if I was OK and I told her what I was experiencing. I was honest and open and finally not ashamed to tell someone I had to reach out to my doctor for help.
Why, as mothers, do we not like to ask for help? We are human and we need help just like everybody else does. This is the problem with depression, it keeps us ashamed for not being able to handle life like others, it keeps us quiet and it keeps us isolated. Depression, no matter how severe, robs its victims of living their lives.
That scared me.
I had to get help for myself and give myself some love and attention so I could care for my family. It became obvious that every 2 weeks I withdrew almost completely. I stopped doing things I like and I just stayed home. I barely take care of my family and when I say that I mean I have to shop every day for food that we’re going to eat that day because I fail to plan or fail to have snacks or fail to have simple things that most people have at any given time period in their kitchen. And, I am unable to think past the immediate here-and-now.
I guess I’m thankful I had a breakdown that Thursday morning and I guess I’m thankful that I recognized that I can’t do it by myself anymore.
Now to fix it. To love myself and realize I’m not broken because I have to take medicine. Accept myself for whatever flaws or failures I feel like I have and remember meds are not permanent, but if they are, it’s okay. I’d rather have to take a little pill that keeps me level and present in not only my son and husband lives, but MY life, too. I want to enjoy every month, not just half of them. That’s miserable.
What do you do to handle the blues? And do you know if they’re just the regular down points we have in life or if it’s something that you need help with? If you don’t know, talk about it.
Express to someone how you’re feeling and let them help you sort things out and if they can’t help you maybe it’s time to find a doctor that can or even a psychologist or a priest or someone you trust because it’ll make all the world of a difference in your life.
