When I Didn’t Think I Had it In Me
I was diagnosed with significant endometriosis at a young age. At the time of my diagnosis, I was told that I would have a really hard time conceiving, especially if I was older than 30. At that time, becoming a parent was the farthest thing from my mind. So, without asking any questions, I accepted the diagnosis and moved on. I graduated high school, completed college and went on to graduate school to become an Occupational Therapist (OT).
As I aged, I noticed I was not a maternal person. I think it had a lot to do with what my doctors told me at the time of my diagnosis. The language they used and how finite it seemed stopped my desire and daydreaming of parenting. I knew that I was 25 and I didn’t have a long term boyfriend, in the back of my head I was scared to want kids. Please don’t get me wrong, I always liked kids, I would just get super nervous around them. I didn’t think I had that instinctual comfort.
While I was going through my OT program, one of our lab programs involved having babies come in to provide real-world experience working with them. We learned all about developmental milestones, a common problem, and therapeutic interventions. During these labs, I couldn’t help but notice some people looked comfortable interacting with infants and that wasn’t me at all. I always looked like I was holding a Faberge egg while balancing on stilts. My palms would sweat uncontrollably, my face would flush, I was visibly uncomfortable! I didn’t “get“ how to interact with the little humans. On some level, at that time, I was fine with that, it was “the way I am around babies.” I just kept on pushing forward with my academic and professional pursuits.
Before I continue any further with my story I think it’s important to tell you a little more about what OT is. It’s also an important part of why I don’t totally suck as a parent. First and foremost, we are more than handwriting teachers or givers of reachers. If you love a child with any type of delay, or special need, you may have some experience with OT in a school setting. If you love an older adult who had a stroke or a broken hip, you may have met an OT in a hospital or skilled nursing facility. If you had a shoulder or hand injury, you may have even seen an OT personally in an outpatient setting. And hats off to you for realizing that you weren’t working with a physical therapist or a nurse. But please, understand that these experiences, though valuable and significant, are just the tip of the iceberg in the big picture of what makes OT the best profession no one really understands.
The best way I can think of quickly explaining Occupational Therapy is to provide a mental image for you. OT is like if MacGyver and Mary Poppins had a baby. We can make almost anything out of just about nothing. Oh, the things we can do with duct tape! We provide tools and support to create a situation where the people we work with can thrive and interact with their environment, at the level that is most valuable to them. We focus on the activities that people do regularly during the day (activities of daily living). This can be as simple as eat, get dressed and go to the bathroom, or as complex as play concert violin or fly a military helicopter and everything in the middle. We spend numerous hours learning how to dissect the most obvious activities into their smallest components. This helps us teach others how to complete these tasks again, with any number of obstacles in their way.
We have been trained to be observers and cheerleaders, while also being extremely patient. This becomes imperative when you need to sit by, give verbal support and watch someone relearn how to put on a sock, even if it takes 20 minutes. Then we really and honestly get excited that they accomplished their goal however small and insignificant it may seem to someone else. Learning to celebrate victories, regardless of size, is one of my favorite parts of my job!
Now that you have some background on OT, I’ll get back to my story. I graduated and started working as an OT. I met an amazing guy, and we moved around a lot while he was in graduate school. This allowed me to work in a number of different settings. As I did, I realized it didn’t matter what setting I was in the foundation of what I did as an OT was, in its rawest form, the same. I would ask myself the following questions.
- What does this person want to do?
- What is stopping them from doing it?
- What’s the least amount of support this person needs to accomplish this goal?
I know it seems basic, the answers were always different depending on the client and their situation. However, this formula worked time and time again, regardless of setting. Watching this method unfold was a brand new experience every time and it was one of my greatest sources of joy.
A few years later, my great guy and I got married and we began talking about starting a family. Could I be a Mom? I had read the research to death and I felt I was mentally prepared for any number of outcomes due to my endometriosis. So many developments have been made regarding endometriosis. It didn’t seem to be the grim, finite diagnosis I had been given as a teenager. I met some new members of my healthcare team that gave me hope, and courage to dust off the maternal part of myself that I dismissed so many years before. Now, if I could get pregnant, could I really do the day to day with a baby? Would my palms sweat all the time? To be totally honest I really didn’t have all the answers, I took a leap of faith, and eventually baby arrived.
I knew all the milestones that we had to memorize in OT school, but it was the information that is easily available through the internet or an app today. I missed out on years of fantasizing about being a mom. I hadn’t asked questions or studied the registries when my friends had babies. I missed the mom pregame warm up.
Now what?
I was nervous. It was time to take an inventory of personal things that made up my baby readiness tool kit. I grew up in a lovely home with caring, creative, engaged parents. I was fortunate to have that strong foundation to build from. I knew I needed to take that and build on it to find my style.
It took some getting used to, but eventually, I found myself asking the same questions I’d asked for my patients for my daughter.
- What does she want to do?
- What is stopping her from doing it?
- What’s the least amount of support she needs to accomplish this goal?
This strategy made it easier to get through the infant stage. I was able to support some of the most intense growth and learning I had ever witnessed with just asking those three questions. Then, as if to say, “you did well during that round, time to level up mom”, she became more able and wanted to engage more and more. How can I keep her occupied? Happy? While also providing learning experiences for her? How much do I do for her? Is it mean to give her “chores” at a young age? I had so many questions!
I found myself reaching for the OT playbook once again. I asked myself what is the most important life skill for a toddler? The answer is simple. Play. It’s a toddler and preschoolers full-time job! My problem solving kicked into high gear. Sorting is a skill that is great for this age demographic; do we need a toy for that? Or can we make this educational skill also a life skill? My daughter and I played a game to sort the silverware, and we celebrated the big girl helping unload the dishwasher.
Hand strength and fine motor dexterity are so important to develop at a young age. My daughter and I played a game where we would pull apart brick building blocks and throw them into the bin, and celebrate that we cleaned up. Fine motor development is also a common “goal” for OT intervention. This prompted a game where we picked beans out of a tub of rice. To this day she is very proud of her “tweezer fingers” and loves to use them to help us weed the garden. She found so much joy and a sense of personal accomplishment when she completed a task independently.
I learned that parenting from infancy to preschool age doesn’t have to be fancy. It’s all about asking my three questions and playing. Have fun with the day to day tasks, throw laundry into the wash like a basketball game, get messy in the kitchen, and love every minute of it. It may have taken 30 minutes longer to unload the dishwasher, and I absolutely could have done it myself but Occupational Therapy shaped my parenting.
What I am hoping to accomplish by sharing this story with you isn’t to make you all want to become OT’s, though it is awesome, but to get you to ask these questions when you are parenting. It is easier and faster to just put their shoes on, clean up the playroom, empty the dishwasher, get them dressed, and sometimes that’s the priority (especially if you have other kiddos at home). If you can find the time and patience to give them the space to struggle a little, learn, make the daily activities a game, a race, just have fun with it, smile with them and celebrate the victories, it will benefit both of you. Don’t let the OTs have all the fun!
And to all my OT’s or people that love OTs out there, Happy Occupational Therapy month.
