Today my family celebrated the life of my Grandma. I haven’t quite figured out how to summarize her life in words, and I don’t know how to thank the woman who deserved the world, but she was the rock to our family and will be sorely missed. While our deeply religious upbringing gives us the relief that we will see her again; earthside, it hurts like hell. On the way home, my significant other (who had lost all of his grandparents by 26) asked what the average age for losing grandparents would be. While we couldn’t really put our finger on when it happens for most, it made me even more grateful to have her as long as I did.
She knew about me, loved me fiercely and shaped me so thoroughly for 30 years. 3 decades of betterment.
My Gram. She was the embodiment of how to live for Christ. She was selfless and happy. She was protective and caring. She was stern and had expectations, but never judged when we faltered. She wasn’t perfect, but she was on the cusp. Rarely, in this life, do we get Christians as devout and inviting, let alone non-judgemental and helpful. We all sat in church with her, and that was her proudest achievement. Thanks to her, Bible categories on Jeopardy! are a breeze. Thanks to her unwavering faith, I feel a little less alone in this. We have her on our shoulder and each other to lean on.
Outside of her faith, she was a caregiver. She never wanted us to go without or to suffer. She knew when we made bad choices and she knew when we really screwed up. She always wanted peace in her family and went to great lengths to achieve it. One thing I was endlessly made fun of for is that she would come clean my room as a kid. I was a huge slob. I don’t know why, but I was and it created a rift in our house. She didn’t want mom upset and she would just come “help” me. She would make peace. With that peace, she showed love and taught me how to respect the important stuff and how to decipher my life. Little did she know, I still clean to find peace.
When we were in deep, she would show up with whatever she had to offer, whether it was a hug, advice or asking every family member to write character letters to a judge (someone got into DEEP trouble…and she still came to war with her heart), or anything she could do, she did.
Our success was her success.
As I reflect on the tough love portions, it reminds me of how spoiled the older grandkids felt the younger ones were. They got a woman who took them camping in a tent and one who still had animals to tend to. For her kids and the older generation, they worked hard. She worked right along, too. Us younger kids got a more patient and relaxed woman. She liked to get her housework and groceries done in the morning so she had the afternoons to play. Those afternoons were filled with reading and gardening along with bird watching and crocheting.
She passed on so many things and for those skills, I’m forever in awe. I had so much one-on-one time with her. All of us grandkids really had private moments with her. She made us all feel special, as we were all diamonds to her. I just wish I had been less selfish in those times and savored her more. She had so much more to teach. Kids are just kids. Instead, stubbornly, I went against her, sparked her red-headed temper and learned a lot of lessons the hard way.
I hate to say it, but it didn’t get better through my twenties. I did so many things the wrong way, the hard way. I know she worried, I know she missed me. That part, in loss, is the hardest bit to swallow. I’m sure, no one really likes who they were at that age, or we wouldn’t mature into functioning adults, but looking back- all the time I missed is hard.
I should have stopped more often, brought her treats like the milkshakes and snacks of my youth, and not let the time slip away. When I came back more often, she was just as happy as ever to see me, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I missed out on a lot of good memories. She never guilted me, but I know it hurt. It’s just a lesson learned the hard way and I’m glad my kids still got some of the love I remember so fondly, but I could have done better.
Strong women raise strong women, and because of her I will reach higher and love harder.
Rest easy Gram, you sprinkled us all with the best bits of you.
