Mom Feelings: When do I feel like me again?

Hormones. During your pregnancy, you’re just pumped with hormones. The same hormones cause you to freak out about things that you might not have given a rat’s *butt* about pre-baby. But if someone calls you out on being, “hormonal,” you lose it. {Nope, only I can say I’m hormonal buddy.}

But that goes away, right? Like after the baby pops out {haha, pops}, you go back to yourself… right? Nope. {I know what you’re thinking, wtf.} Read about hormonal imbalance after childbirth here.

You mean to tell me, during pregnancy, I’m producing all kinds of hormones. Then after childbirth, one of those hormones {that one that helps make ya happy}, is like “hey girl, I’m out.”

I’ve heard the phrase, “I don’t feel like myself,” a handful of times over the past couple weeks, and not just from moms. It got me thinking, when did I start to feel like myself again? And the answer probably isn’t what you think.

Here’s my breakdown {in months postpartum}.

Month 1 {October}: Nope. Big old blur.

Month 2 {November}: I was happy to be showering and returned to work when Jackson was 6 weeks old. Nope, again.

Month 3 {December}: I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I was trying to balance working and breastfeeding. The latter didn’t seem to be working for me. I cried…a lot {sometimes about my boobs hurting, other times about my husband watching Netflix without me}.

Month 4 {January}: I resented my husband for being on a longer leave than I got from my job. I nitpicked at everything he did for the baby because deep down, I just wanted to do it all myself. I didn’t accept help, I was exhausted.

Month 5 {February}: Daycare. He was starting daycare. Even though I was confident in the care he was receiving, I wanted to be there. I felt like I was missing something when I was gone. BUT I didn’t want to give up what I had worked to achieve in my career. Talk about feeling ambivalent.

Month 6 {March}: He was sick all the time from all the new daycare germs, which made me question it even more. I started to feel a little better emotionally and I’m sure I was freaking out on my husband less.

Month 7 {April}: I felt the changes coming. Maybe it was consistent showering? Maybe since I was getting my workouts in and I was noticing my body changing back to its former glory {kinda}?

Month 8 {May}: Our first trip away from Jackson. I got a taste of our pre-baby life. I tried to relax {and I did} and I knew he was in capable hands. I really enjoyed myself, but we were both excited to be back home.

Month 9 {June}: It’s happening. I’m feeling like me. I mean, I still don’t look exactly like I did and swimsuit season is a nice reminder of that. I bought lots of cute one pieces to make myself feel better about my mom bod. Also, a new daycare for Jackson because the other one closed {super sad about this}.

Month 10 {July}: I’m me. I can feel it. I mean, I’m a little dramatic here and there, but that was there way before pregnancy. Even though I still hate leaving Jackson for work, I know he thrives in a place surrounded by little ones his age. When he’s sick it really stinks, but I’ve been told daycare is helping to build up his immune system {I’ll believe that to help make me feel better}.

Month 11 {August}: We have a routine. We have a rhythm. Remember that movie, “Cool Runnings,” when the Jamaican bobsledders would say “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time!” I feel like each morning, I say that to myself. We are there, I am there.

Month 12 {September}: Me! I’m me! Just in case you weren’t sure, I wanted to take you through to Jackson’s first birthday {month}, where I truly realized I had made it. I felt good {like inside}. I also managed to plan a successful first birthday party with a crap ton of people.  If I could do that while working full time and taking care of a little one, and a dog, I think I’m good.  No freakouts. Win-win.

We can’t expect to feel like ourselves right out of the gate. Think of what our bodies went through, not just physically, but emotionally. Think of how our lives and priorities have changed. Our new role as a mother changes everything {EVERYTHING}.

When I heard people say, “I don’t feel like me,” I automatically questioned what has changed in their life to make them feel this way. If there’s a huge life change, like moving to a new place, a baby, a new job, then that’s normal. It’s normal to feel different when you’re in a new role or situation you’re not used to. What’s not good for you is not getting help if you’re experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression. You can feel like you again, it just takes time and sometimes it takes some help.