Lately, it has been a struggle. I can be real about this. I see it over and over on my news feeds, beautiful smiles on chemically imbalanced souls. I can be real about this. You’ve seen me post about other personal parts of my existence, from co-parenting to recent loss and grief.
Recently, the compound stress and loss, paired with my less than awesome mental health, has just been exhausting. I’ve been scared and have felt lost. Maybe with THIRTY looming ahead, it makes me feel behind or unaccomplished. Maybe it is the anxiety of the change that comes with personal growth. Whatever it is, it is loud and nearly unbearable at times. Paired with the chaos of being *almost* the wife of a farmer (😜love you, Randy, you’re my rock) and raising 3 kids, clarity of mind is hard to come by. Everything was already loud and messy.
And then there’s my mind, being louder. It’s not just that, though. It is loud and dishonest. It is loud and cruel. It is loud and relentless.
At least now, I see it for what it is. I drink a little more water. I rest more. I speak more honestly. I try a little harder to be more graceful. I exercise and get more sunlight. And in the moments where I feel like I can catch my breath, I think about how to bring myself back.
Here are five thoughts for the mom who cries that have helped me in these moments and will hopefully help you, too.
- You deserve to be happy in this life you’ve made. Regardless of how undeserving I feel at times, I need to stop letting my fear of losing the moment steal it anyway. Just embrace how incredibly lucky you’ve been and enjoy it.
- The mess of the world isn’t on your shoulders. It’s a big mess. I know. One person didn’t make it and I have to remind myself often that I don’t have the answers to the biggest questions. It is a hard balance between informed and insane these days. Just know that while the times may be difficult, it’s all temporary and fluid.
- Their childhood is fleeting. I’ve been home with them as my main priority for nearly seven years. The basics are becoming set habits. The real journey to personhood is beginning. I want to live as my best example for them. This includes self-care, accepting help, and taking care of my health, free of guilt.
- It will be OK. This one is Randy’s favorite. I usually hate it, but he is very right. Nothing is a permanent situation. Figure out what needs work, change it and move forward. I know it isn’t easy, but it is important.
- Lastly, keep moving, in all aspects. Work out, read, write, create, think. Every little fiber needs exercise. I just have to keep my thoughts too busy to lie. I’m finding my bigger picture, I’m going to excel, and I’m going to thrive in the chaos.
Because I have been finding the light at the end of the tunnel, I’m hoping to light my own way. I know therapy and pharmaceuticals are always helpful, too.
I just want the stigma to end. We aren’t alone.
