Psycho. Crazy. Stupid. Lazy.
The list goes on and on when we begin to point fingers at people. As adults, some of us know there might be more to one’s story then what meets the eye. Why don’t kids? Why is having ADHD or depression a secret? Why is seeking treatment for something your suffering from frowned upon by a large portion of society?
Last month, two well-known celebrities took their own lives. However, did you know, there are 123 suicides per day {fact check me here}? Those barely make the news. We knew how amazing those celebrities were and after their passing, we began to hear words like, depression and addiction. Why do we have to wait until someone is gone to begin the conversation about mental health? Why do we wait until someone has taken the steps to end their life, to share how much we love them and share about our good times with them?
As a school counselor, mental health is at the forefront of my job (I wish academic advising was the grunt of my work). Kids need to know it’s ok to not be ok (it’s actually pretty common), but getting help is necessary and ALWAYS an option.
Here are 5 things you can do with your kids to (at least) START a conversation about mental health (and what’s healthy):
1. Show them you’re always there
A judgment free zone is necessary. Want your kids to feel comfortable talking to you about things? They have to know it’s a safe place. They have to feel like you won’t judge them or get angry. If it is something that upsets you, explain why. Which leads us to number 2.
2. Identify feelings
Let’s not encourage kids to keep feelings bottled up; that means to practice what you preach. For younger kids, start with a feeling rating scale. Super simple (like the picture below). Instead of just asking, “Okay, which one do you feel like today”, go a little deeper. Why do you feel like a 4 today? When did you start to feel like a 4? What can we do to make you feel like a 2 or 3 again? (If your child feels like a 4 for an extended period of time, seek professional help.)
Older kids? Journal. Write it down. We know most older kids don’t like to talk about feelings with their parents or adults. Encourage them to share a journal with you where they write what they feel or what is going on. As a parent, be sure to read it and write little notes back. Use this as a tool and start a conversation from there.
3. Find a Coping Skill
What calms them down when they’re anxious? Use that feelings rating scale (image above) again before using a coping skill and check-in again at the end to see progress. But first, you have to find a coping skill. Is it drawing, listening to music, a deep breathing app, fidget toy, kinetic sand, shuffling cards, playdoh? Find one that works for you and your child and put it to use.
4. Use current events and TV shows to open the door to talk about mental health.
Whether it’s a celebrity talking about depression or eating disorders, or a popular TV show depicting rape, depression, suicide, drug use, and bullying (yes, 13 Reasons Why), USE IT! The kids are watching, so why aren’t you? After watching season two of 13 Reasons Why, I spoke to my college-aged brother about it. His response to me was… ‘Well, that stuff is definitely happening in schools, it happened at mine.’ All of it, it ALL happens.
5. Seek Professional Support
A really good therapist will build a rapport with your child and explain to them how it’s pretty common for people to need to talk to someone. However, it might take a few therapists to find one that is the right fit for your family, but don’t let that stop you. Ask your pediatrician for any recommendations or start by making phone calls and speak with potential therapists. Most therapists spend a big chunk of their time doing free consultation calls for prospective families, if they don’t do this then move on.
WE have to make talking about mental health the norm. WE have to make it okay to need and get help. WE have to be the ones to say that perfection is NOT the expectation. WE have to say it’s okay to take some time for yourself. WE have to be there and WE will.
For more support, contact the Crisis Text Line or Teen Line.
