Intensive Parenting: Let Them be Little

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” It’s a pretty common, and seemingly innocent, question parents ask their children. But questioning children about the fate of their future is more loaded than we think.

In the preface of her memoir, “Becoming,” Michelle Obama writes, “Now I think it is one of the most useless questions an adult can ask a child–‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’–as if growing up is finite. As if at some point you become something and that’s the end.”  And I thought, “yes!” Because really, even though my 4-year-old daughter tells me she is going to be a paleontologist is she really going to be? Does a child really even have a full concept of what that question means? And does it matter?

Can’t we just let them be little?

I recently read an article in The New York Times called “The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting.” The article talks about the American cultural phenomenon of intensive parenting, which it describes as parenting philosophies and practices that are “child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing.” It discusses the increased time, attention and money parents are putting into raising their children–largely motivated by economic anxiety–and that ever present need for children to climb the ladder. Or, at minimum, not fall off it. As with most parenting philosophies, it’s focused on turning your child into a successful adult.

I found myself feeling sad while reading the article. I felt sad for the parents who are parenting this way, feeling the natural anxiety that we all feel. I felt sad for the parents who feel the need to keep up with what is becoming the parenting norms of our society, but who feel like they are failing their children because they don’t have the privilege of being able to. And, I felt sad for the children who are over-extended, hovered over and feeling pressure from their parents–the children who aren’t allowed to be little.

I certainly understand the desire to provide for your child in every way possible. It’s easy to get caught up in the “more is better” approach that Americans seem to take with just about everything, or to overcomplicate parenting based on the constant comparison game. I get sucked into that game all the time when I talk to other mom friends or browse other homeschooling mom’s feeds on Instagram.

But, the feeling that I got reading this article was a good reminder that getting sucked into what appears to be becoming the norm for modern parenting is not what I want for my daughter. And it’s not what I want for myself.

Instead of focusing so much on the future, I want my daughter to continue to be content in each day. I want her to know that success has many different definitions. And, when people ask her what she wants to be when she grows up it is okay to say, “I don’t know” and that there is not one thing that she will “be” that will fully define her.

Instead of focusing on what she should be doing or can’t yet do, I want her to feel joy in what she is doing–exploring, discovering and learning in a way that encourages confidence.

I want her to be free of worry–to play, create, and use her imagination; to feel the freedom and happiness that childhood can bring. I want to let her be little. And most of all, I want to cherish it.

Instead of focusing on what she accomplishes, I want her to know she is loved for who she is; and that it’s ok make mistakes and learn from them.

I want her to experience childhood for all it has to offer without the rush to grow up, because it goes quickly. And, once it’s over, she can’t go back–neither can I.

There are so many aspects of parenting that make it intense enough without putting so much pressure on ourselves and our children to turn them into successful adults before they graduate high school. Especially when we have no idea what their definition of success may be. Childhood has so many lessons in itself to be discovered. So, I am checking myself the next time I think about how I should really be teaching my child to read or find myself playing the comparison game.

I am taking a deep breath. Letting go. Letting her be little. Letting her enjoy childhood. And I am allowing myself to enjoy it, too.