My divorce was final last week, and it has me reflecting a bit on my marriage and also looking at what I really want my future to look like.
When I was approaching 30, I thought I wanted to get married, buy a house, and have a little family. I checked all of those boxes, and it turns out I wasn’t satisfied.
Now that I am approaching 40, I know that what I really wanted was to feel loved and respected. I wanted to be able to be my authentic self and to have my partner be the same. I wanted a travel partner. A best friend. Unconditional love and unwavering support. An excellent and always evolving sex life. The freedom to do what and who I want.
Guess what? I found it.
I found exactly what I want. And I met him last year when I was least expecting it. Friends with benefits morphed into way more. It’s been bliss.
What I do not want is to have to relentlessly defend the legitimacy of our relationship to the people who are supposed to be our friends. There have been several people recently who have questioned the validity of our love and the strength of our connection because we are in an open relationship, and we choose to live separately with no plans for that to change.
What a lot of these ‘friends’ don’t realize is that while we became Facebook official only a couple of weeks ago, we have been spending three-plus nights a week together for the better part of a year now. Fun fact, we originally met when we were 12-years-old. Our stepdads were besties for decades. The second time we encountered each other was when I was 19, there was a brief period where I lived very near the grocery store where he worked, and I flirted with/sexually harassed him many times while checking out.
People hear we are in an open relationship and automatically assume a lot of wrong things.
In most ways, we are a lot like other couples. We eat dinner together most nights. We sleep in the same bed most nights. And we have our cute little routines, favorite take-out places, and preferred spots on the couch. We live in the same apartment complex about 200 feet apart. We come and go freely from each other’s homes. And we just happen to view sex a lot differently than other people do. We both have entanglements with people outside of our relationship, and for the foreseeable future, we are choosing to maintain separate living spaces.
I am two years out of a 14-year relationship/marriage. I’m enjoying having my own space for the first time ever. Having the space to spend uninterrupted time with my kids or myself is invaluable. He treasures the ability to have his own space as well. He has never had the desire to become a parent, which is great because my children already have an excellent father, and I don’t want to force anyone into a role they aren’t comfortable with.
The thing that I love the most about my life right now is that I am not adhering to any notions that things have to look a certain way. I don’t have to shack up with my man, then marry him or risk losing him. That’s stupid. We don’t feel that we have to be monogamous, married, or cohabitating in order to be considered a part of a loving and committed relationship. We’ve talked a lot about how we both view sex and relationships. Neither of us feels that sex is some magical spackle that cements a couple together. We both think that sex is a fun activity to share with people you enjoy.
We work our asses off to communicate and keep our relationship healthy.
It’s not always easy being open, but it’s given us a lot of unexpected gifts along the way. I have never felt this loved and supported by another human being, ever. Yes, we fuck other people. That’s not important y’all. The important thing is that we prioritize each other. We love each other unconditionally. We have created a partnership where we both feel safe and supported and have the freedom to choose where our genitals go.
I get why people can’t necessarily wrap their heads around our relationship. However, the fact that you don’t understand it doesn’t make it wrong. Just because it isn’t a choice you could see yourself making for yourself doesn’t mean you have the right to shit on our happiness.
When you question the validity of our love, you’re not just being closed-minded; you’re being an asshole.
“Now that I am approaching 40, I know that what I really wanted was to feel loved and respected. I wanted to be able to be my authentic self and to have my partner be the same. I wanted a travel partner. A best friend. Unconditional love and unwavering support. An excellent and always evolving sex life. The freedom to do what and who I want.”
But you don’t want a family?
That all sounds pretty selfish to me.
You are approaching 40 but sound like you are 20. Grow up.