I recently read an article about how many hugs a day our kids need to thrive. Admittedly, when I really thought about my own parenting style, I realized my own physically cold approach is not a helpful parenting tool. It isn’t that I dislike my kids, I just dislike being touched. I am a stay-at-home-parent to three kids. The last one hasn’t slept all night yet. He chose to be parented in a very attached way and again, not a toucher. So, to my kids, I am so sorry that I have found new ways to fail you, I’ll try harder, but sometimes hugs still make my skin crawl.
So, what is a physically cold, mentally strict parent to do? Am I bound to have attention-seeking monsters? Will my kids ever get the twelve hugs a day they require for healthy growth? Maybe not, but I am trying. My middle child is attention-seeking, already. He is sweet and helpful, but forcibly affectionate. If he needs snuggles he will stop me and get them. In the past I have turned him down, for a later time. I try to give him that love more often post article. In return, he has been more helpful and even when he is mad, he separates himself from the situation and deals upstairs, in the privacy of his room. I can tell he is acting out less and has become more mature as the summer has passed. Yes, we are on the tail end of summer, and those anxious, restless behaviors are present in our home, but less often than before.
My oldest child has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. She is an avoider by nature. When she was first in therapy, she would never hug anyone back. She leaned into people she loved and completely ignored anyone else’s attempts. When I really thought about it for her, especially, hugs were so important for her input system and she was the least likely to remind me that she needed one. She is also the child that is away from me the most. All these realizations made me feel like such a mom failure. With more intentional hugging, she asks for more hugs, actually hugs back and has less problems with her sensory sensitivities.
When I think back to the article, it all makes sense. Hugging has been studied in many different forms of therapy. It has been shown that twenty seconds of hugging increases the level of Oxytocin in the body. You know, that wonder hormone that bonds us to our babies and spouses? Hugging makes that, too. Oxytocin helps us bond more deeply and feel more secure by lowering anxiety levels and basically improving our heart health, too. Along with all of that, hugging can improve immune functions, making us all around healthier and happier. Taking all that to heart, and doing my own research, it is a no-brainer. Live by the famed psychotherapist Virginia Satir’s quote, “You require four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs a day to maintain, and twelve hugs a day for growth.” Attempting that amount of hugging in our house has improved my kids this summer.
I have seen the growth.
