Have you ever been in a position where you can’t ask for help or take a break for a few hours?
I feel guilty constantly. If I’m at work, I miss the kids. If I’m at home, I feel the need to clean because I actually sit there and see how cluttered my house is. Then, I feel like when I clean I am not giving the kids enough attention. I take time to craft in my room, then I am again not paying attention to the kids. When I go to the gym, I feel guilty for that.
My dad was recently hospitalized and it’s been a roller coaster of a month. I have been anxious and scared. Running myself ragged with work, the hospital, and the kids.
I said I needed a break.
I do not know how I could be more clear.
I guess I do.
I could say, “I am going to do this (insert plethora of self care I could do for myself).” Instead I made a poor choice. I lied to my husband. I said I was going to see my dad today. And, I was going to. My daughter and I stopped for dinner and I told my husband we already headed down to my dad’s.
I had a bad feeling. Like I should have just gone. I knew it. I was in the parking lot, but I was telling my husband I already went down there. I heard a knock on the side of my door and it was him.
How fucked up was I? I lied. Straight out. To someone I have known for years.
He looked at me and said, “That’s the second time. You lied about going to dinner with Jane and now you lied about this.”
I wish I could say I was wrong. He was right.
He walked away. I came home and he came and got our kids out. Then we argued. I cried. I don’t have any reason. Or maybe I do. Maybe I expect too much. Why does he get nights out with friends but I am judged for wanting a night in alone. 99% of the time I do all the childcare so he can go out with his friends or he stays up late drinking and I let him sleep in. I am pretty sure I sleep in once a year (we can all guess what day that is). I feel so resentful of everything.
The reality is that I feel like I married someone I don’t relate to. I am noticing more and more how we are on far ends of the spectrum in beliefs. How do you come back from that?
Do we still stay married? How do we come back together? All I want is what is best for my babies. I want to be a good role model and not someone they hate. Does that mean staying with someone who I can’t see eye-to-eye with on important issues.
The more I reflect on what I did. The more I feel like it was for attention. I admit, I do feel ignored and not cared for until he wants something. I called and made an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. All day I have felt this weight crushing me on my chest today. I cannot live like this. No one should have to.
-Carrie