I read this great article the other day about the number one killer of marriages. The author goes on saying how so many people (himself included) thought that money and communication are the top two things that lead to divorce. However, it’s expectations.
Think about all of your expectations when you first got married and how they’re measuring up. Did you see yourself becoming a Stay At Home Mom or balancing work and mommyhood at the same time? Did you decide with your hubby he would be the breadwinner and you’d settle for whatever job you landed (or vice versa)? How did you come up with who would be responsible for what within the household?
Did you discuss these things or even think them over? Or did you just assume what the answers would be and carry on? Do you think your spouse did the same? Do you think your answers or expectations are the same?
Before my husband and I got married, we did Pre-Cana classes through our church. This was a requirement before being married in the Catholic church. I heard some people say how much they dreaded it and how long it took. Ours was a jam packed weekend, beginning on a Friday evening into Sunday afternoon. We heard from couples married for 50+ years to those married for 5-10 years. Hearing the stories of these couples was amazing and eye opening at that same time. The stories were nice to hear, but the best part of the classes were the discussion topics you were “forced” to discuss. Think money, parenting, family planning, and so on. My husband and I were pretty much on the same page in terms of how and who would be responsible for each topic we covered.
However…
What happens when life throws you curveballs or when things are different than you expected? Is your spouse going to be flexible when you all of a sudden can’t fulfill your end of the deal? A great and simple example of this is dinner. Ugh. Cooking dinner. I love meal planning and trying out new recipes. My husband’s expectation is that dinner is ready when he gets home around 5:30 pm. My workday typically ends at 5 pm and I pick up the baby from daycare, get home around 5:15, get settled and started to feed him and our dog dinner. Now, if you’re following that timeline, you’ll realize by 5:30 I haven’t even started dinner yet. Oops. I told my husband last night, your expectation doesn’t fit my schedule. On my schedule, dinner will most likely be ready close to 6:30 and he can also help in the dinner duties since we both work.
Now…
I know this sounds like a silly example of an expectation that went unmet until a later time, but it’s little things like this that get one person frustrated. You might be able to relate to this expectation, but think if this goes on and on. Each night your husband walks in the door, expecting dinner and it’s NEVER ready, you NEVER talk about it, what does that do to your relationship? I never really thought about how that build up occurs and how much expectations play a role in relationships.
Turning inward, think about your expectations of yourself. At the age of 32, I figured I’d have a big family (say, 3 kids). I have that expectation because by the time my mom was 26 she had 3 children and most of my family members had more than one child by my age. Now, my life timeline is completely different than my moms and many moms in the mid/late 80s. My generation typically goes to college right out of high school, some follow that up with graduate school, get a job, establish their career, then focus on relationships, marriage, and family. Obviously, that bumps me back a bit in when I’ll “reach” my expectation.
Expectations don’t have to be the killer of marriages or of accomplishing what you set out to accomplish. Expectations can change at any moment. Who says an expectation is set in stone? Think about what your expectations are and if you aren’t meeting them, why? If you aren’t meeting them, how can you alter your expectation so you aren’t down in the dumps?
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