What to do When Making Mom Friends Isn’t Easy
Have you ever noticed how making friends as a mom can sometimes make us feel like we’re standing in a middle school lunchroom looking for someone – anyone – to notice us, accept us, and love us?
Funnily enough, it can feel almost identical.
In truth, though, it’s not funny at all.
In truth, it can be extremely painful.
So many moms have shared similar sentiments.
I’m too bookish for this group and not bookish enough for the other one.
I’m too crunchy for these ladies but not crunchy enough for those.
Too girly for this club and not girly enough for another.
Too free-thinking for one and not nearly free-thinking enough for another.
Too outdoorsy and athletic for this group and not outdoorsy and athletic enough for that one.
I don’t shop at the right stores or wear the right clothes to be in this group.
I don’t work in the right field or send my kids to the right school or sports leagues or music teacher to be in that one.
I haven’t lived here long enough, haven’t traveled far enough, haven’t done exactly the right things.
The list goes on.
Sometimes, for years.
I remember going through this over and over again when my kids were little. (Heck, I’m still going through this in some areas of my life right now.) I wanted to find a friend group I could belong to – one where I could find lifelong friends, one where my kids could find friends too.
I wanted it so badly that I started changing myself to try to fit into certain groups.
And I started to hate who I was becoming. So I set about becoming myself again and getting out of all of the groups I had faked my way into.
Maybe you can relate?
It took years for me to come back to myself – to embrace the me I was created to be – and to realize that my family (the ones I care about so much more than any friend group) actually wanted the real me all along.
Recently, I realized that I had turned a corner with all of this fitting-in business. I realized I had found my people, and I had found them by doing a few things I couldn’t seem to do in those painful, early, friend-searching years.
I won’t say I have the whole friend thing mastered just yet, but I will share how I got over the hump and through the painful years of rejection in the hopes that you will find something that might help you do the same.
1 – I let go of the struggle and leaned into my family.
I said no to invitations that didn’t genuinely interest me. I removed myself from committees and clubs. I spent more time alone with my kids and husband. And I saw the real me starting to peek through again.
2 – I did some soul-searching, quiet reflection, and personal development.
I read books written by people whose lives I admired. I listened to podcasts, put on audiobooks while doing dishes and taking walks. I went back to graduate school to find a part of me I had left behind years ago. I became more of myself again. (Seriously, even my extended family started to notice.)
3 – I put my real self out there.
I started paying attention to the people who were reaching out to me in small ways – sending me messages on social media, emails, texts, or even just nice comments. Then, I opened up my life to them. I responded to their messages with curiosity, trying to get to know them. I scheduled phone calls with them. I wrote emails back to them. I wrote a book (something I’ve always wanted to do), published it, and started engaging with other moms who want the same things I want.
And I learned that by redefining my life, I had found my people. I’m still finding new friends every day (yes, online and socially distant, which honestly gives us such a bigger pool to draw from, doesn’t it?). Some of them stick around for a long time and some pass through briefly. But in every single case, I know I’m giving them the real me.
I still get rejected, and I still find groups I wish I could fit into that I just can’t (unless I’m willing to change myself or fake it again, which I’m not). But now, I have so many other options, and rejection doesn’t hurt quite as much as it used to.
My hope is that you will find the same.
My hope is that you will never have to wonder whether you’ll ever fit in again.
Lean into your family, get on the personal development train, and put the real you out there. I bet you’ll be making your own group of friends in no time. Maybe you’ll even invite me in, too.
Celeste Orr is the author of Togetherness Redefined: Finding a Different Kind of Family Togetherness, a guide for parents who long to build deep, lasting connections with their families but may not always know where to start.
She once described herself as a full-time traveler chasing family togetherness away from suburbia, a nomad, a gypsy Mama raising her kids on the road without roots, but after living overseas and traveling to 49 out of 50 states in the US, she’s realized that togetherness is possible anywhere as long as it’s welcomed.
Celeste currently lives on the coast of Maine with her husband Matthew, their two sons Elijah and Malachi, and a rescue kitty named Bacon. When she’s not hiking the mountains of Acadia National Park, you’ll probably find her reading a good book with a steamy cup of tea, staring at the ocean, or working on something new for family-loving moms at togethernessredefined.com.
