Abuse Comes in Many Forms: Domestic Violence Awareness

Is it still domestic violence?

I was probably about three or four. My earliest memory of my dad was him looking at me and screaming and hitting his chest because I bothered him when I asked him to look for a plate for my dolly. He told me it was a waste of his time and asked why I woke him up for that? And he was yelling at my mom and asking her why she let me do that?

When he yelled, his eyes would bolt out of his face and I swear his hair would be as crazy as Cruella Deville’s. I’ll never forget that day. After that, we would tiptoe around him so we would never wake him up. My friends could never come over (not that I had a lot of friends). No one ever came over. We had a big house but never had family gatherings. I could never change the channel on the TV. I couldn’t even walk in front of the TV while he was watching it. God forbid I made a noise while he was watching TV. I remember eating my dinner really fast so I wouldn’t bother him while he was eating. One time he took my medicine in a glass bottle and threw it at my mom’s feet. He tried throwing a chair at her. He did a lot. But he never actually hit us.

Is that still abuse?

Yes.

Maybe the person doesn’t hit you but they intimidate and threaten you. They throw things near you, they emotionally abuse you. It’s still domestic violence. Controlling money, who you can and can’t see, isolation, telling you that you aren’t worth anything and no one wants you, belittling you, controlling your means of communication with family and friends – that is all abuse.

My dad controlled where we went, who we talked to, told me I was stupid, guilt-tripped my mom and me all the time. To take me to the county fair, my mom had to hide money and plan it for a day he worked the 3-11 shift. She picked me up from school early, took me and made me promise not to tell. I did not say a word to my dad. By the ripe old age of 7, I was a good liar.

The same thing happened when she wanted to take me to a water park, she had to lie, we had to walk there and sneak home just so he did not know.

My dad never wanted me to like reading (spoiler alert, I love it). My dad told me I only should worry about math and science. He did not want me to do ballet or gymnastics. He did not want me in Girl Scouts. He did not like it when we spent time with my mom’s side of the family. He told my mom that he could not give her money (she did not work at the time) because he had to send money to his family in another country. I remember my grandparents paying for most of my needs.

Is that abuse?

Yes.

Lying, coercion, financial control is ALL abuse and domestic violence.

When I turned 9, my parents divorced – thank God. My dad would pick me up for visits and I would cry and cry. I missed my mom so much. I was not close to my dad at all. He made me go with him. There was no choice.

When I turned 13, he started stalking us. He slashed our tires, my friend’s tires, broke the mirror off our car, showed up at our house and demanded to be let in. I remember hiding in my closet counting until he went away. Terrifying. I still remember that very clearly.

Is that domestic violence?

Yes.

We filed a restraining order and it was decided that my mom would have full custody. I saw my dad on my terms because I was old enough to decide.

Even as I got older, he still continued to control me. Belittling me for the major I chose in college, control my friends, my family, and still tried to control my mom even after the divorce.

Now after years of therapy and learning, I know that’s not how you treat someone. It is abuse. It is domestic violence.