Growing up, my mother and I had a very close relationship. The type of relationship that other mother-daughter pairs envied and looked up to. She was my best friend, but not in the “let me buy alcohol for you and your friends” way. In the fact that she was there for me in all of the capacities, I needed her to be. I know and have recently been reminded, that I was (and maybe still am) a demanding child. I demanded a lot of attention and expected many accommodations.
There is one specific story that stands out in my mind (and I rethink it more often than I’d imagine is normal). I was in high school, maybe Junior or Senior year, and I was invited to a party (I don’t remember what for). I needed to bring a salad. I asked my mom to make my favorite, tortellini salad, for me to bring. She did, but she used, what I deemed to be, the wrong cheese. *GASP* In my mind, it was ruined, everything was ruined. I cried and screamed at her. I acted so irrationally. Now, at that time of my life, I was having some unrelated issues centered around control and perfectionism (you can read more on that here). But to this day, and especially now as a parent, I don’t know how my mom refrained from throwing that salad directly in my face.
Even the very best mother-daughter relationships are complicated.
I know this, for sure. So, while I didn’t necessarily feel I needed to read a book about mending mother-daughter relationships, I was open to it. Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters by mother-daughter duo Blythe Daniel and Helen McIntosh, nailed it.
It is evident, through their writing, that they have a close and loving relationship. Even so, they went through seasons of conflict and distance. Their advice is delivered clearly and concisely. Each chapter outlines one of the steps in mending a relationship. Starting with acknowledging each other and working all the way through restoration of both the relationship and the hearts.
My biggest take away from this book is that I am only responsible for my own actions. I know, you’re thinking, duh, but seriously. I can take responsibility for my own failings but I can’t make anyone else take responsibility for theirs. And, I can’t let my heart fill with anger or resentment if others are unwilling to acknowledge their own faults.
Another major revelation for me centered around forgiveness. In my relationships, it is up to me to ask for forgiveness but I also need to offer it, whether asked for or not. Others might not realize I’m hurt and I can’t carry that hurt with me until the day they finally realize and ask for my forgiveness. This does nothing for the other person and is detrimental to me.
As noted in the book…
“They may be deceased or in jail or another place you can’t reach them or oblivious to their offense. But we remain their prisoner until we let the offense go.”
Forgiveness does not need to be a public occasion. It can take place in the quiet and contentment of our own hearts. And, that simple act of letting it go can make the world of difference in our relationships.
What it all really boils down to, in any relationship, is that, if there is conflict, you have to choose the relationship over the conflict. The relationship has to be more important. Period.
Both Blythe and Helen are wonderful storytellers and have ample wisdom to share. I do wish that they had gone into their stories a bit more often and with more detail as those were the places I found myself most able to relate to the text. Personal stories can typically catch and keep attention; it’s in those stories that lessons are usually learned with less explanation needed.
I found this book not just beneficial for my relationship with my mother but, really, the advice is valid and useful for the strengthening of any relationship. For me, as I read the stories and advice, I often found myself rethinking my own handling and actions in a past work relationship. It is amazing how universal this book is to all relational experiences.
Whether your relationship with your mother or daughter is solid, shaky, or non-existent, this book is for you. Maybe you can gift a copy to your mother or daughter for Mother’s Day and read it together or maybe it is best for you to read alone and note areas for your own improvement. Either way, I wish all of the mothers out there a very blessed Mother’s Day full of memories and love.
Let us know, could your relationship with your mother or daughter use some attention? Will you give this book a read? Have you read Mended? What were your thoughts? Do you have any mother-daughter books to recommend? Let us know in the comments.
