Ban the Birthday Goody Bags

As a mom, you’re either going to think I’m a huge party pooper or you’re going to think, “Heck yeah!  Right on, Mama!” when I make this proclamation:

Ban goody bags.

Just like balloons, presents, candles and cake, the goody bag is a term synonymous with birthday parties in the United States. But, why?

Disclaimer: I am not a thrower of amazing birthday parties for my kids. They each got an awesome first birthday party (if we’re being honest, first birthday parties are really for the parents because the guest of honor certainly won’t have memories of the grand event). My son (who is now 11) got a fun pirate-themed birthday party when he was six. But that is the extent of my party throwing experience.

Though I don’t throw official birthday parties with guests galore, I love celebrating my kids’ birthdays and making their big day special. We love going to birthday parties and they have attended our fair share of birthday parties for friends, acquaintances, and classmates. With the occasional exception, my kids have left these parties with some kind of goody bag in their hands. The bags are typically filled with candy, inexpensive toys and trinkets that are of interest on the drive after the party, but get left behind once we are home (and tossed out the next time I clean out the car).

At school in years past, parents were allowed to bring cupcakes or some kind of fun, sweet treat to celebrate our kids’ birthdays. I loved that idea because I enjoy sharing sweet treats for celebrations! I’m always delighted to bring a bunch of store-bought cupcakes and do a little celebrating in my kids’ classes.

This year, however, we are at new schools that do not allow sweet treats for birthdays. We have been told we can bring “goody bags” to hand out to classmates. I decided to set aside my feelings about goody bags and just go with the flow, and do what countless other parents at our school have done before me.

I set out to find items to fill goody bags for my son’s 11^th birthday. “What in the world do I get a classroom full of 4^th graders?” I asked a friend. She recommended I hit up the Dollar Store. Brilliant! I went up and down every aisle at the Dollar Store trying to find something fun and unique for 28 kids. I got bags, ribbon, crinkle fill paper, pencils, and generic superhero stickers for $45+. And then there was the family-based “assembly line” for the goody bags that took place the night before, when my kids should have been going to bed. It was a lot of money, time and effort spent … and I definitely missed the simplicity and low cost of bringing in store-bought cupcakes. But it made my son happy to walk into class with a sack full of goody bags to hand out to classmates on his birthday.

In January, my daughter turned 7. Her birthday was the final day of winter break and so I was hopeful to avoid the goody bag issue. But sure enough, she reminded me that she NEEDED to have goody bags to give her friends the first week back to school.

My perfect plan involved a solo shopping trip to the Dollar Store to spend another $45. But that solo trip didn’t happen, so we headed to Walmart together. I announced to my daughter that I would buy the multi-packs of large bubbles (5 long tubes of bubbles for $3.97)  and something small to attach to said bubbles. Her idea of “something small” was far different from my idea. She was picking out items that, when combined for 28 first graders, was cost-prohibitive, and I told her that. I suggested she could attach a glow stick to each bubble container, and we’d put cute tags on them that read, “Scarlett is 7!”

She protested. She whined. She cried, “Mommy, that’s NOT ENOUGH TO GIVE MY FRIENDS!!”

By this time, I was done. I decided it was time to let my little 7-year-old know how I truly feel about goody bags. “Scarlett, it is YOUR birthday. Why are you so concerned about what you’re giving your FRIENDS for YOUR birthday? It is your one special day of the year and yet you want to give all of THEM gifts?” She stopped her pouting for a moment and gave me a smirk that translated into, “Hey, yeah!” But then she quickly returned to expressing her disappointment in my “boring” choices for her friends.

I pose this related question to parents now: Let’s say you’ve spent oodles of money to provide your child and 25 of his/her friends with an amazing birthday party at an indoor trampoline park. This fabulous party includes pizza, drinks, and birthday cake (along with themed plates, napkins and cups). The guests have likely brought gifts to give the birthday kid. You’ve provided an awesome party experience for your guests that runs into the hundreds of dollars. Does each guest really need to leave the costly extravaganza with a gift (goody bag) for themselves? Are you celebrating the party guests or are you celebrating your child? Here’s the answer: You’re celebrating your child and so are your guests. Do they need to be given parting gifts, in addition to a good time?

I started to notice that at the end of birthday parties, my kids (my daughter, in particular) would approach the party-throwing parent and ask, “Can I have my goody bag?” even when there weren’t any goody bags in sight. I was not pleased with this question. So now, before we go into a birthday party, I tell my kids, “There may – or may not – be goody bags at this party. Please don’t ask anybody for a goody bag at any point. If you do get a goody bag, be sure you give the person a very big thank you.”

Scarlett’s teacher told us that the bubble gifts were a big hit among her first grade classmates. When I asked Scarlett if she enjoyed having the class sing “Happy Birthday” to her, she replied, “No. We ran out of time. The bell rang right after everybody got their bubbles.” So what should have been a mini-birthday celebration that all kids in class get, turned out to simply be a gift giving event … the birthday girl giving each of her classmates a gift.

As parents, we try to instill many values into our children. One value I’ve been emphasizing to my kids over the years is that “it’s not all about them.”

I want them to learn to celebrate another person (whether it be a birthday or an accomplishment, etc.) without thinking, “What’s in it for me?” and without the expectation that they get anything in return. I want them to learn to give and be generous without expecting another person to reciprocate in some way.

Instead of handing out goody bags at the end of a birthday party as a tangible “thank you” to party guests, consider having your child write thank you cards to each guest afterwards, expressing appreciation for celebrating the occasion, and thanking them for the gift (if one was given). It is a kind, considerate, and inexpensive alternative to goody bags and frankly, not something that is done very often these days for some reason.

As for the goody bag conundrum in our schools that forbid sweet treats for birthday celebrations, I am stumped for an alternative solution. I cannot change their policy, and it is already “tradition” that a child brings in some kind of goody bag-type gift to hand out on their birthdays. I suppose the ultimate solution is to simply not bring in something for my kids’ birthdays – plain and simple. But I’m not going to make my kids the outliers for classroom birthday celebrations. I am not a killjoy, I just prefer the simplicity of bringing cupcakes. So, each year I grin and bear it, go with the flow and bring goody bags.

But I will do so under silent protest.