So you just read the title, but don’t let it fool you. Yes, these are things that I have learned over 17 years of parenting. And yes, they are things that definitely pertain to my little people with Autism. But no, they are not just important life lessons for the ASD parent. I truly believe they are things that could help every parent. So, whether you are fresh out of the maternity ward or, like me, been riding this bull for a hot minute, I think there is something here for everyone. So sit on back and kick your feet up for a few. I hope you take a little something from this, even if it is just a laugh as you think, “Yep, I’ve been there.”
Learning From The Past
As a young mother, I was a fool to think that having a large inner circle meant that I had an immense amount of people to call on to help when I needed it. Boy was I wrong. All it took was one bout of strep throat for momma and needing help to learn that big circles usually don’t translate to tons of help. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Having a big group of “friends”, you tend only to make superficial connections and then you have no one in your corner when you need them. And I learned all of this, thankfully, when I only had one child, a child who is “neurotypical”.
As a young mother, I also made a big point to plan trips and excursions any chance I got. Every time we left the house I felt we needed to do something fun for the little guy. Fast forward a decade and a half, that same little guy is now 17 and 6’1”. And if you ask him about those trips and activities, he has few memories of any of them. Truth be told, I don’t remember most of them either. What was my life lesson here? I was so focused on the quantity of the activities we were doing, that I had removed my focus from the quality of what we were doing.
These life lessons have shaped who I am today. Which I have to admit was a complete Godsend. Now the mother of four, two of which I sometimes refer to as Puzzle Pieces, I have put those lessons into action.
Where We Are Today
So now with four sweet kids who I am blessed to call mine, I have learned to make moments count; but in a whole new way. With children on the spectrum, we have to choose our activities wisely. We must decide what our children are capable of doing and what is admittedly beyond their comfort zone for now. We have to do all this while also remembering that we have a super sweet Neurotypical little girl sandwiched in between them. This has led to a balancing act that I never imagined I’d deal with, but am happy to do.
Memories Will One Day Be All We Have
So, do we just sit at home and do nothing? No, we sure do not. But we also are not the parents that are going, going, going until we can’t go anymore. No offense to the parents that do keep a constant moving schedule, that just does not work for our family. And if you haven’t figured it out by now, my key mantra for parenting advice is always, “Find what works best for your family.” But that is a whole other rabbit hole that we are not going down, today.
So back to those memories. We have begun putting emphasis on the quality of the experience. This means we may only take a prolonged family trip every couple of years versus every school break. We spend more time planning and really combing out the details. We have a “master pack list” that helps smooth out any kinks we have when it comes to preparing for a trip.
And what is at the top of that list? A camera. One of the most important things I learned as a young mom is that pictures truly are worth a thousand words. It was something that I didn’t put as much emphasis on when my oldest was a wee little guy and I wholeheartedly regret it. Make sure you are enjoying those moments, but also make sure to take a quick snapshot of that occasion so you can cherish it for a lifetime. This holds incredibly true for my life now as a spectrum parent. When your day is so often filled with the downfalls of Autism, it is easy to lose sight of those baby steps forward that have already been made. Those moments, frozen in time in each photograph, will become a beacon of hope for the days that seem to be covered in darkness.
“What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that’s gone forever, impossible to reproduce.”
Karl Lagerfeld
Learning Who To Trust
The other truth that I learned through the years is build an inner circle that you can completely trust with your life and keep it small. By keeping it small, you are able to spend more time connecting with the people in it. You end up with the opportunity to learn what makes that person unique and build an unbreakable bond. I always like to compare our inner circle to a car. A regular family vehicle, whether it is a 4 door sedan or a minivan that can seat 8, has four tires. Those four tires help it to get where it needs to go and the vehicle, as well as the driver, can TRUST that those tires are going to get it to its destination. But if you start adding wheels just to add them because you feel like more is always better, you will end up with a useless vehicle that can do nothing but drive in circles, if that.
Inner circles become so much more important once you are driving down the lonely road of being a special needs parent. Those few people that you have learned to trust turn into little bright spots along the way to your destination. If the right people are added to your trusted group of friends, you will end up with people in your corner that are just as invested in your child’s milestones as you are. They will cheer with you when goals are met and they will cry with you when days are rough.
I’ve made mistakes along the way to building my inner circle. I have spent time trusting the wrong people only to have them turn out to be a “flat tire”, shall we say. That’s all a part of life that we must go through. But as I was keeping my group of friends small, in time, I was able to weed out people that were only there to serve themselves. So breath deep and don’t be afraid to say Goodbye to people that aren’t making your circle a better place for you to be you.
Do you have any advice you have picked up along the way to building your inner circle or do you have one? If you have an experience you went through with yours or a piece of advice you would like to share, drop it in the comments below.
