If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon Cupcakes
I have been fiercely independent from a young age. I liked things how I liked them, I was going to do it my way, and didn’t need help doing it. I am still like this as an adult, although experience and maturity tells me things aren’t always going to go my way … and sometimes I do, in fact, need help of some kind.
When I was in middle school, my dad moved out of our home. He gave my mom money each month to pay the rent and the bills, but … there was one income now supporting two households and finances were tight. As a kid I didn’t understand the details or the dynamics of the situation, and somehow my extracurricular activities weren’t impacted. I remained in Girls Scouts, and still played softball, etc.
That year, on the day before Thanksgiving, my Girls Scout leader/softball coach, Mike (who worked for United Way), arrived at my home with a box of Thanksgiving food: a turkey, stuffing, rolls, canned veggies, etc.
I was confused. Such donations were meant for families who couldn’t afford food … who needed food. We weren’t one of those families. Sure, we didn’t have much money and lived in an old, run-down house and my mom drove an old, ugly 1965 Ford Galaxie 500 that was on its last leg (my sister and I would ride in the back seat and crouch down so nobody could see us … we were so embarrassed by that old clunker). But we weren’t a family who needed help with food.
But—in reality—we were, indeed, that family. I don’t know if my mom had talked with Mike about our situation, or if he knew by observation. Just last year, I publicly thanked Mike on Facebook because as an adult, I was able to look back on the reality of the situation and see his incredible kindness in helping my family.
I wasn’t just confused by this unexpected food donation. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I was mad. When did we become a “needy family”? This uncomfortable feeling stayed with me for a long time.
From 4th to 8th grades, I played the violin and I loved it! Sometimes I beat out the kid for first chair who came from a family with money and had years of private lessons. I had always borrowed a violin from the school because there was no way my family could afford to buy a violin for me back then. As I prepared to register for high school, my pride got in the way and I decided not to join orchestra because I was too embarrassed that I’d have to rent a violin when (I assumed) the other orchestra members owned their own beautiful violins. In my mind, renting would mean the other kids knew we didn’t have money, they would know I was “needy.” I made that unfortunate decision to drop orchestra 30+ years ago, and I still regret it to this day.
Throughout 2017/2018, my family (my husband, myself and our two young children) volunteered with a homeless outreach organization in Phoenix called “One Bag at a Time.” Run entirely by volunteers, it is a group that meets on select Sunday mornings in central Phoenix and sets up tables of drinks, snacks, toiletries, socks, etc. The homeless line up with “one bag” and walk through the line taking what they need. Some of them were enthusiastic and happily thanked each volunteer down the line for coming out and helping them. Others walked by silent, stoic and without making eye contact.
I often wondered about these silent people, in particular.
What makes their responses so different from their peers who walk through the same line with a smile and enjoy their brief exchange with the volunteers? Are they embarrassed and ashamed to be in the line? Understandable. Are they sad to be in this position? I totally get it. It has been said, “We are all just one step away from homelessness.” As these people walked by in silence, I would reflect on our own lives and realized that if my husband suddenly lost his job as the primary breadwinner, we could find ourselves homeless, too.
Here’s the thing: I think very few of us get by in life without some sort of help.
It could be a student loan to get through college; doing laundry at your parents’ house – or, still living with your parents as an adult because you can’t afford to live on your own; your kids getting a reduced price lunch at school; a friend picking up your child from school because you have to work late; getting hand-me-down clothing for your children, etc. Help comes in so many different forms. It is okay to ask for help, and it is okay to receive help (even when you don’t ask for it).
Case in point: We recently moved to California, which – as everyone knows – is an extraordinarily expensive place to live. As we expected the initial financial adjustment has been a bit challenging for our family. At a Bible study one day, my prayer request was for our family’s adjustment to the expense of living in California. Collectively, the group could relate and it was nice to be among people who would empathize (several have lived in California their entire lives). The next day, there was an anonymous envelope left on my door with a gift card to Trader Joe’s, and a gift card to In-n-Out. There was also an encouraging card enclosed that read, “If life hands you lemons, make lemon cupcakes.” I knew these blessings had come from somebody in my Bible study group.
Flash forward a few weeks and I received a phone call asking if I’d like to go on the women’s retreat for church the upcoming weekend. I was offered a scholarship, because this same person who blessed me with the gift cards knew I couldn’t afford the last minute expense. Without hesitation I accepted the invitation, because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it’s a wonderful thing to accept help when it is offered!
Accepting help doesn’t make us “less than.”
It should not be humiliating or embarrassing, because at some point, we all need help in some way or another.
On the flip side: consider being the person OFFERING help! If you know of somebody in need, think of a way to offer help. But … don’t simply say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Because, guess what? The person likely won’t let you know. Be specific with your offer of help. For example, “Can I bring your family dinner on Friday?” or “Can I bring your son to play at our house for a couple of hours so you can get some rest?” Be specific and intentional when you offer help.
Also consider the beautiful gift of helping anonymously, just like the person who left gift cards at my front door. One of the best feelings is helping somebody without getting recognition. Giving anonymously also adds an element of fun to the help you’re providing!
“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.” ― Maya Angelou
